The Office of Incident Assesment and Response 🜍 ☿ 🜔
This is a fan website based on the podcast The Magnus Protocol. This is not part of the associated ARG or an real government website
[WHIRRING, AND CAMERA NOISES]
[PAPER]
Sam: Okay.. Dracula.
Gwen: V for vampires. Assuming you mean Count Dracula ala the novel, Id suggest subsection popular culture, and assuming he's behaving as I'd expect, I'd geuss a DPHW of 7475.
Sam: Close, 7465.
Sam: Um, okay. Frankenstien?
Gwen: Assuming you mean the scientist, not the doctor.
Sam: I do.
Gwen: Then that'd another resserection, possible subsections obbsesion, medical, pursuit, and blasphemy maybe? So that would make it 4237.
Gwen: Well?
Sam: 5337.
Gwen: Pass that here.
Sam: This thing is enourmous. We can't possibly be expected to just memorize all of it.
Gwen: You won't keep up if your sitting there turning pages all night.
Sam: But surely theres a system or something, like what does DPHW stand for?
Gwen: I don't know if it stands for anything. It's just an abartraiy index. You just gain a sense for it after a while.
Sam: But some one came up with it, meaning there was a logic to it at some point.
Gwen: Sam.
Sam: So if we can just find out what links simular cases, then we'd know what the system is based on,
Gwen: Sam! We aren't here to decode the system. That's Collins job, and you've seen what a delight thats made him. Just try to learn your codes and process your cases.
Sam: But I'm never going to learn all of this! You've been here for years and even you-
Gwen: Then quit. No-ones making you work here.
Sam: Ah, uh right.
Sam: - Gwen
[ALICE ENTERS AS A DOOR UNLOCKS]
Alice: Ahoy-hoy! Did you miss me. Was it torture?
Gwen: You're late.
Alice: I'm sure the UK government found some way to soldier on without me for.. three and a half minutes.
Gwen: Whatever.
Alice: Everything good here? Enjoying playtime with aunty Gwen?
Sam: Yeah, it's been...fine.
Alice: Cool. We'll unpack that ominous silence later, but for now we should probably get started. We've still not cleared your backlog.
Gwen: If you're so concerend about backlog maybe being on time would help.
Alice: Gwen. Gwen. Gwen!
Gwen: What!
Alice: Time. Isn't. Real.
[POWER DOWN SOUND]
[MECHANICAL RING TONE]
Daria: Hi, am I coming through?
Therapist: Yes, but theres no video.
Daria: Um, I'd, um rather not, if that's okay?
Therapist: That might be something to dive into later, but thats fine for now.
Daria: Great.
Therapist: I've gone over the paperwork Dr.Khan sent over and theres quite a lot to unpack.
Daria: I'm not crazy.
Therapist: ...Of course. I'm not a huge fan of that word at the best of times, but I am intersted in what makes you lead with that.
Daria: The last guy used the word delusions alot, but that's not. I know what's real, and I need you to belive me.
Therapist: I think I can do that. I can try, at least.
Daria: And don't, don't do that. I don't want your sympathy. I just want to get this over with.
Therapist: Normally I'd caution against that additude, but I understand, these are sessions that a court ordered, so the situation is a little more complicated. How about we start with you giving your own account of what brought you here? How does that sound?.
Daria: Oh, I didn't think we'd be going straight into it.
Therapist: We don't have to, if you don't want to.
Daria: No! No, no, that's, it's fine. I just, I'me not sure where to start, y'know?
Therapist: Take your time.
Daria: Sure. I've always hated the way I looked. I'm sure theres some deep trauma behind it, that you're itching to unpack, but it's a fact. And it's not like I can avoid thinking about it. I'm a visual artist, who gets most of her work from social media commissions. That means I'm spending four or five hour's a day on instagram minimum, and that messes you up after a while, y'know? Like, we all know it's fake, it's all filters and photoshop, everyone pretending they're the real deal, #makeup free.
But, just beacause you know that, doen't mean you're immune. And, yeah, I'd uh, ended up in a pretty dark place. And when I turned 30, I decided to do something about it. I started with my hair. I grew it out, to make my face look longer. It sort of worked. And then I chucked out all my older sisters clothes, and dipped into my savings to get a couple pairs of my own jeans that didn't make me look quite so much like an overloaded icecream cone. I even shelled out for a cute LBD for when I did lose a bit of weight. Mum says I was being over ambitious, but it hangs off me now of course.
Well most clothes do.
Therapist: Daria?
Daria: Sorry! Were was I?
Therapist: Your were giving yourself something of a makeover.
Daria: Right. Yeah. So I was stood there in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, trying to figure out whats missing, and that's when I decide I need a tattoo. I had a couple already, just little things on my shin and my wrist, but I decided I needed something big. Something that really changed my look. So, I started trawling Insta for tattooists. At first glance it looks like there's this huge amount of choice, but more you look, the more you realise that they're mostly recycled designs, and even those were way too expensive for me.
It was actually when I was looking for inspiration for a commission