[A DECREPIT COMPUTER TURNS ON IN A DATED AND DINGY OFFICE IN THE ROYAL MINT COURT.]
[THE HUM AND WHINE OF AN OLD PC – A TINNY DIGITAL FANFARE AS IT STARTS UP – THEN THE QUIET WHIRR OF THE PC’S FAN.]
[A STUTTER OF DISTORTION; THEN THE COMPUTER’S AGED MICROPHONE BEGINS RECORDING.]
[IT IS EAVESDROPPING ON AN ANEMIC WORK PARTY.
[THERE ARE MORE QUIET VOICES A DISTANCE AWAY, BUT RIGHT NOW WE FOCUS ON:]
ALICE: What are you looking forward to the most?
TEDDY:
I mean, occasionally seeing the sun could be nice?
ALICE:
Boooo! Your pathetic addiction to vitamin D will only make you weak.
TEDDY:
But Alice, my bones! They’re ready to snap like twiglets!
ALICE:
Listen to me: bones are a lie peddled by Big Milk to keep you buying. No such thing.
TEDDY:
Right, so what keeps your body upright?
ALICE:
(grinning) Spite and coffee.
TEDDY:
(laughing) Well, I’m afraid we can’t all subsist entirely on coffee and social media drama.
ALICE:
Not with that attitude. I reckon you could crack it in another 4 years…
TEDDY:
Another 4 years of you and cracked is exactly what I’d be!
[SMALL LAUGH]
ALICE:
I’m gonna miss you, Teddy.
TEDDY:
Nah, we’ll stay in touch, right?
ALICE:
(unconvincingly) …‘course. I mean – yeah, if you think you can escape my iconic brand of nonsense by getting a boring, normal job, you’re going to be sadly disappointed, my friend.
TEDDY:
You know, most people would consider civil service a boring, normal job.
ALICE:
Yeah, well, most people don’t work here.
COLIN:
Ain’t that the truth.
ALICE:
Colin! There’s my guy! How’s it hanging? Is it an app yet? Do we have a minimalist logo? I assume you’ve finished all the social features?
COLIN:
Don’t you start. I swear I’m going to shove a cable down that prick’s throat, pull it out his ministerial anus and floss him to death.
ALICE:
Is that what you mean when you go on about things being “backwards compatible”?
[COLIN SIGHS WEARILY]
TEDDY:
Booo!
ALICE:
Don’t boo me! I created you, and I can destroy you!
[LAUGHTER]
COLIN:
So are we just leaving Sam to the wolves then?
ALICE:
He’s a big boy, he can look after himself. Besides, he’s going to be working with them.
COLIN
Sure, but you know how Gwen and Lena can be…
TEDDY:
Awful?
COLIN:
(overlapping) Intense.
ALICE:
He’s fine. ‘Course, it wouldn’t have been an issue if we’d just done this at the pub like normal…
TEDDY:
You know Lena. (imitating) “Proper procedure requires any provided food and beverages to be consumed on site. This includes cake.” Fair play, though, Sam’s been a good sport. God knows you wouldn’t have got me to a stranger’s goodbye party at six in the morning.
ALICE:
Eurgh. Fine, I’ll go rescue him
[FOOTSTEPS AS ALICE LEAVES]
[BEAT]
COLIN:
So… Insurance?
TEDDY:
It’s reliable.
COLIN:
True. Just let me know if they need an IT guy, yeah?
TEDDY:
Colin, mate, you know you’re never getting out of here.
COLIN:
Christ, don’t say that.
TEDDY:
Even if his nibs lets you off the hook, which he won’t, you couldn’t bring yourself to just leave. Not ‘til you’ve figured out all these fun little errors.
COLIN:
Or they finally kill me.
TEDDY:
I mean, sure, that too.
[A SHORT SILENCE]
TEDDY:
Heads up, looks like they’re all coming over.
COLIN:
(morose) Great.
[FOUR SETS OF FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
TEDDY:
Hey!
LENA:
Enjoying the party?
TEDDY:
Colin was just saying how much of a blast he’s having, isn’t that right?
LENA:
(sardonic) Oh really.
COLIN:
Uh, sure.
TEDDY:
– and how he’d love to take the afterparty to the pub.
ALICE:
What a great idea, Colin.
LENA:
Nonsense. Sam is the only one who has had any cake so far.
GWEN:
And that was only because you practically forced it down his throat.
SAM:
No, no, it was… nice.
LENA:
People like chocolate cake.
GWEN:
(sullen) People like being treated like adults.
[BEAT. GWEN MAY HAVE OVERSTEPPED THERE.]
LENA:
Thank you for your feedback, Gwen. I will take it under advisement. Now, I was just telling Sam that he can expect supportive co-workers here at the O.I.A.R.
ALICE:
Oh yeah. We’re a real family. I’m your cool sister, Gwen’s your uncool sister, Lena’s your emotionally distant mother, Teddy’s the uncle that just got another job, and Colin’s the family’s grumpy IT manager.
GWEN:
You’ll have to forgive Alice, Sam. She’s convinced that she’s funny.
SAM:
It’s alright, we actually go way back.
LENA:
Alice recommended Sam for the job.
GWEN:
Oh? Nepotism, is it?
ALICE:
(acidly) I learned from the best.
GWEN:
People are trying to enjoy themselves, Alice. Could you please just turn it off for a moment?
TEDDY:
(gently steering) Soooo! I think we might all be done on cake, so I’m going to call it and suggest anyone who wants to can decamp to the pub, okay?
COLIN:
Plan.
LENA:
If that’s the consensus, I will accept it. Although I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you at The Steward –
ALICE:
Shame…
LENA:
– but do take Sam along and enjoy yourselves. Just remember, it is a work night.
SAM:
Oh, er, sure. I’m down.
TEDDY:
Great!
LENA:
Oh, and Teddy?
TEDDY:
Mm?
LENA:
I understand you’re leaving us, but that’s no excuse for being sloppy. Please ensure you shut down your workstation before you depart.
TEDDY:
Hm? Oh, I already d–
Oh. That’s, uh… Right, hang on, I’ll just –
[TEDDY PUSHES A BUTTON]
[THE RECORDING ENDS, AND THE FANS SPIN DOWN]
[THE COMPUTER BOOTS UP AGAIN]
[WE HEAR NOISES OF PAPERWORK BEING FILLED OUT, AND APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS:]
ALICE:
Right then. Ready?
SAM:
Hang on, I’ve still got the last page to fill in. Do I really have to put “Samama Khalid” at the top of every single page?
ALICE:
Yeah, they’re pretty big on paperwork around here.
SAM:
There has to be a way to do this online.
[BEAT]
What?
ALICE:
(chuckling) You’ll see. Anyway, hurry it up, time to mold you like clay into the perfect government drone for the Office of Incident Assessment and Response.
SAM:
Speaking of, there’s this box for a “Response 121” on the form. Do you know what that is?
ALICE:
Oh, you can ignore that. There used to be a separate “Response” department, I think, but now it’s just us. Guess they never updated the onboarding.
SAM:
Ah. I already ticked it – is that a problem?
ALICE:
I doubt it since no one actually reads that stuff.
[BEAT]
Right. Pens down, eyes front, class is in session.
SAM:
Right.
[THE PAPERWORK IS PUT AWAY]
Lead on, sensei.
ALICE:
So, this cutting-edge device is known as a personal computer, or “PC” for short –
SAM:
Alice, I know you’re joking, but how old is this thing? It has a floppy drive.
ALICE:
Patience, young one. You’ve got your login details from Colin, right?
SAM:
Sure.
ALICE:
(faux portentous) Then bestow them unto the device that you may gain its ancient wisdom…
SAM:
Right.
[TYPING NOISES]
[THERE’S A BEEP, AND THE COMPUTER STARTS TO SPIN UP WITH VERY RETRO FANFARE]
SAM:
What–?
ALICE:
(pleasantly) Something wrong, sweetie?
SAM:
Is this… Windows 95?
ALICE:
Of course not – don’t be ridiculous!
[SHE PAUSES FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT]
This is a modified version of Windows NT 4.0, the business-focused predecessor to 95.
SAM:
H-How is that even–? There’s no way this is still supported…
ALICE:
I think a good half of Colin’s job is just making sure the workstations don’t all try to update and instantly brick themselves.
SAM:
But… I mean, why?
ALICE:
See that symbol?
[ALICE DOUBLE-CLICKS SOMETHING ON THE SCREEN.]
SAM:
(sounding each letter out) FR3-d1?
ALICE:
Meet Freddy. The program doesn’t really have a proper name. Bespoke software from the mid-nineties, I think. It’s the bedrock that the whole system is based on, and it’s been at least fifteen years since anyone actually knew how it worked.
SAM:
What does it do?
ALICE:
Crashes, mostly. At least it does if you try to update it, breathe too loudly or link it to anything developed more recently than the Bronze Age collapse.
SAM:
So what’s it supposed to do, then?
ALICE:
It searches online databases, newspapers, forums or whatever for incidents, flags them, then passes them through to us for assessment.
SAM:
What sort of “incidents”?
[BEAT]
ALICE:
(slightly hesitant) You’ll see.
SAM:
Right, so this list is…
ALICE:
Today’s case files. Just double click on the top one.
[SAM DOUBLE-CLICKS.]
ALICE:
Okay, so looks like it’s an email.
SAM:
And I just… read it? Is that even legal?
ALICE:
Probably. We do work for the government. Sort of.
SAM:
What about GDPR?
ALICE:
Look, Sam, I don’t know what to tell you. This is the job. I’ve been doing it for years and there’s never been any problems. Maybe ask Lena? – She’d probably know.
SAM:
Fine. Sorry. Okay, so…
[HE STARTS READING. PAUSE.]
SAM:
This is –
ALICE:
Yeah, they’re all like that. At least this one is short, nice easy start for you. So, once you’ve read it, you get out the binder –
[SHE SLAPS AN ENORMOUS RING BINDER ON THE DESK AND STARTS PAGING THROUGH IT.]
ALICE:
And look up whatever’s mentioned most in the case. Looking at this one, we go to “D” and… Sam, eyes on me now. We go to “D” and, right, would you say this is more “Dolls-comma-watching,” or “Dolls-comma-human skin”?
SAM:
(a bit shell-shocked) I – Uh – I mean – I guess the human skin bit is only implied, so… both?
ALICE:
Nah, you can only pick one, Freddy’s dumb as rocks. Right, so after each entry there’s four numbers. That’s the DPHW. So “dolls-comma-watching” is… 1157. Then you cross-reference with the table here, that would be a 2-C, and then you type that into the box here, along with date of incident if there is one and today’s date. Which gives us…
[ALICE QUICKLY TYPES:]
ALICE:
CAT2RC1157-12052022-09012024, and then we hit submit.
[BEAT]
ALICE:
Well, go on then.
SAM:
Oh, right!
[SAM DOUBLE-CLICKS]
[AN 8-BIT CHIME]
ALICE:
Excellent work. We’ll make a wage slave of you yet.
SAM:
Where does it go?
ALICE:
If I were a betting woman, I’d say some long-dead database that no one will ever look at or care about.
SAM:
So why do it?
ALICE:
Because that’s what they’re paying us to do.
[SAM MAKES AN INCREDULOUS NOISE]
ALICE:
Welcome to civil service.
SAM:
(amused despite himself) What the hell sort of job have you gotten me, Alice?
ALICE:
One where you get paid to hang out with the coolest person left in London all night, every night. You’re welcome.
[SAM CAN’T HELP BUT LAUGH]
ALICE:
Now you try the next one.
SAM:
Right, so…
[HE DOUBLE-CLICKS AGAIN.]
[A VOICE BLARES FROM THE SPEAKERS ABRUPTLY – A ROBOTIC, TEXT-TO-SPEECH-SOUNDING VOICE.]
COMPUTER VOICE
To: Darla Winstead (dwinny@mailpod.com)
From: Harriet Winstead (hpw332@mailpod.com)
Date: May 12, 2022
Subject: Re: Re: checking in
SAM:
(shouting over computer) Alice, what is this?
ALICE:
(shouting) Hey! You got Norris!
SAM:
(shouting) What?
ALICE:
(shouting) It’s… Hang on, you can pause it by hitting space –
[SHE HITS SPACEBAR, AND THE VOICE ABRUPTLY STOPS]
ALICE:
(normal volume) Sorry, didn’t think you’d get one of those so soon.
SAM:
One of what? Why is it reading it out?
ALICE:
Started about a year ago. Best Colin can figure, something broke and whichever genius made the program ran some redundancy through the sound card.
SAM:
Right…
ALICE:
Yeah. Lena won’t authorize Colin’s proposed solution: smashing it with a hammer. All it really means to you is that it’ll read out maybe one in twenty cases and won’t let you do the next one until it finishes.
SAM:
But – no, hang on, that doesn’t make any sense. If Freddy’s a search program from the nineties, why would it have text-to-speech?
ALICE:
Great question. I asked Colin the same thing a while back.
SAM:
And what did he say?
ALICE:
Nothing. He just snapped a pencil in half and walked away.
Look, Sam, it’s a completely knackered system that’s old as balls. Dangly, grey-haired old man balls. And until it finally collapses forever, we just have to put up and shut up.
SAM:
So how do we stop it reading them out?
ALICE:
No idea. So now, when we come across a chatty case, we generally take that as a cue to get coffee. Then we come back and read it through once the computer’s done waffling.
SAM:
Right. Okay. And who’s Norris?
ALICE:
So, there are three voices it reads them in. I call them Norris, Chester, and Augustus, although Gwen doesn’t like it. This one here is Norris, he and Chester are the most common.
SAM:
But it’s okay if I do hear it? Like, I’m just thinking I can finish up this onboarding here while it’s running.
ALICE:
Knock yourself out. Just grab me in the break room when it’s done. We’ve got a load more to get through.
SAM:
Gotcha.
[SAM HITS SPACEBAR AGAIN]
NORRIS (COMPUTER)
To: Darla Winstead (dwinny@mailpod.com)
From: Harriet Winstead (hpw332@mailpod.com)
Date: May 12, 2022
Subject: Re: Re: checking in
I’m so sorry. I should have listened. I just couldn’t face the thought of the rest of my life never hearing him again, I had to try. It wasn’t a scam, not like you said.
[NORRIS’S STILTED TEXT-TO-SPEECH RHYTHM IS MORPHING INTO SOMETHING MORE HUMAN]
He sounded different when he called. He was all eager with an off-putting sort of excitement, not like our earlier face-to-face consultations. He just gave me an address and told me to be there that night: Grantham Cemetery. I started to wonder if this was all just another messed-up sales pitch. Some preachy lesson about acceptance and letting go before asking for more cash. But I had to know, so I went to the cemetery.
[NORRIS NOW SOUNDS COMPLETELY LIKE A PERSON NARRATING A STORY, NOT COMPUTER-LIKE AT ALL]
[HIS VOICE RESEMBLES THAT OF MARTIN BLACKWOOD FROM THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES]
I used to love the night. When Arthur couldn’t sleep we would just walk for hours under the lampposts, just us and the occasional headlights streaking past. It frightens me now. I look at the shadows, not the lights. They hide whatever it was that took him away from me.
The cemetery gates were wide open. I don’t know if I would have had it in me to break in. I was so nervous that the smallest obstacle might have sent me running home. But they were open. So in I went. Slowly, towards the grave.
It’s not a big graveyard, and spacious enough that I could see the figure standing there before I got too close. For a moment my heart skipped and I thought it might be Arthur but no, the shape… The shape was all wrong. Then my step faltered, because I had no idea who else it could be. They were too short for the consultant. Maybe someone else entirely, some innocent mourner? In the middle of the night? I doubted it.
I was scared, Darla. I was so scared. I was certain I’d been set up, that I was going to be grabbed. I turned to leave, hoping I could get back to the main road lights but then the figure began to speak from where it was stooped in the dark.
It was his voice. It was Arthur’s voice. I know you won’t believe me, but he called my name and I know it was his voice. I froze in place.
It came closer, and as the moon escaped the clouds, for a moment I could make out the discolored skin, the mismatched features. It moved slowly, shuddering towards me with a jerky, ungainly step. Something was pressed against its skin, from the inside.
I said the only thing I could think:
“Arthur? Is that you?”
And that voice I have loved for twenty years answered:
“Some of him.”
And then it laughed. Great heaving gasps and wheezes that seemed to leak out as if through a rotten bellows. It laughed and laughed, violently throwing its head back and forth, faster and faster, impossibly fast. So fast I could hear bones snapping.
I ran, and it didn’t chase me.
I don’t know what to do now. I’ve not left the house all day. I keep thinking I see something at the bottom of the garden, but I can’t bring myself to check. Do I call the police? What could I even tell them? I tried calling the helpline but no one answers.
[NORRIS’S VOICE IS TURNING BACK INTO STILTED TEXT-TO-SPEECH]
Are you free tonight? I don’t want to stay at the house. I know you warned me that it was too full of memories, but this isn’t that. I’m afraid, Darla, and worse, I think it’s Arthur I’m afraid of. Or what’s left of him. (slowing, robotic) Please get back to me a.s.a.p.
– H
[SAM EXHALES SLOWLY, SLIGHTLY FREAKED OUT]
[FOOTSTEPS FROM BEHIND HIM:]
ALICE:
You didn’t come get me?
SAM:
(jumps) I… Yeah, sorry. I got distracted. Are they all like that?
ALICE:
What? Upsetting and horrible? Yeah, pretty much. That one seemed pretty tame, to be honest.
SAM:
Great. Can’t wait for a bad one.
ALICE:
So, ready to score it?
SAM:
Sure, so, uh…
[HE STARTS LEAFING THROUGH THE MASSIVE BINDER]
SAM:
“Zombies” would probably be under Z, right?
ALICE:
Yeah, it’s mostly alphabetical.
GWEN:
(calling from a distance) It’s not zombies.
ALICE:
I’m sorry, Gwen, I thought Sam was shadowing me today since you’re so busy with your own massive backlog.
[FOOTSTEPS AS GWEN APPROACHES]
GWEN:
(now closer) And you’re just going to let him put “zombies”? He’ll get a misfile on his first case.
ALICE:
No he won’t. (to Sam) You basically never get a misfile. No one’s checking this stuff –
[GWEN STARTS LEAFING THROUGH HIS BINDER]
GWEN:
Here. “Reanimation.” I’d probably go with “partial” cross-linked with “regret,” but you could also go with “amalgamative” subsection “semi.”
ALICE:
Zombies would have been fine.
GWEN:
A) no it wouldn’t, and B) there’s at least three pages of subclassifications for zombies. He’d be here for hours.
ALICE:
And I’m guessing this dedication to detail is why you’re so behind?
GWEN:
It’s why I have the highest accuracy rate in the office.
ALICE:
Which, and it’s absolutely crucial you understand this Sam, means exactly nothing.
SAM:
I’m going to put “reanimation,” okay?
ALICE:
Fine, whatever. Like I say, none of it matters, so arguing about it is a waste of everybody’s time. And none of us have much of that going spare tonight, do we, Gwen?
GWEN:
Just making sure he’s taught properly. If you want to be picking up after him for the whole year, be my guest.
ALICE:
Gwen?
GWEN:
What?
ALICE:
Lena wants you in her office.
[A PAUSE AS GWEN LOOKS OVER]
GWEN:
Oh joy. Just what I need tonight.
[SHE STANDS AND STARTS HEADING OFF]
GWEN:
(calling back to them) Don’t let her teach you too many bad habits, Sam.
SAM:
(chuckling) I’ll do my best.
ALICE:
(good-natured) Traitor…
[A DIFFERENT FILTER ON THE AUDIO NOW: WE ARE LISTENING THROUGH THE MANAGER’S SPEAKERPHONE.]
[GWEN ENTERS.]
GWEN:
You wanted to see me?
LENA:
Yes, Gwen. Please sit down.
[SHE SITS]
GWEN:
(has been here many, many times) Another “performance review”? Can we make it a bit quicker this time?
LENA:
You’re aware you are significantly behind your caseload?
GWEN:
Because I’m actually trying to process them correctly. You can have it right or you can have it fast.
LENA:
Regardless, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.
GWEN:
I see. So what else have I done wrong, then?
LENA:
Last night. At Teddy’s leaving party –
GWEN:
“Party.”
[BEAT.]
LENA:
Last night at Teddy’s leaving event, you were openly disrespectful towards me in front of the new hire. This is not acceptable.
GWEN:
Seriously? You’re calling me in here because I backtalked you in front of the new guy?
LENA:
I’m well aware you dislike me, Gwen, and that’s entirely your prerogative, but I am still your manager and undercutting my authority in front of a new team member is deeply inappropriate.
GWEN:
(standing) Understood. Now if that’s all –
LENA:
It’s not. Sit down.
[GWEN SIGHS AND SITS.]
LENA:
If you hate working here so completely, you are perfectly within your rights to resign. No one is forcing you to stay here.
GWEN:
You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
LENA:
Honestly, it more or less balances out. You are difficult to manage, but hiring new staff is always something of a pain.
[BEAT]
LENA:
What do you actually want, Gwen?
GWEN:
Your job.
[ANOTHER BEAT]
LENA:
You think you could do it better?
GWEN:
I do.
LENA:
Hmmm.
I’ve always known you thought you were slumming it down here, but I never actually considered you might think of this as the first step of a career. Most people simply move on within 12 months or so.
GWEN:
I’m not most people.
[THERE IS A PAUSE AS LENA CONSIDERS THIS.]
LENA:
No.
GWEN:
No?
LENA:
No. Unfortunately, I know what climbing this particular ladder entails, and you don’t have what it takes.
GWEN:
Surprise, surprise.
LENA:
I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but I really do fear your ambition is misplaced here.
GWEN:
(standing) Mmhm. Well, good talk as always. Excellent use of my time. Let me know if you have any other gems of wisdom you want to spit in my face.
LENA:
Gwen, that’s exactly the kind of attitude –
[THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT.]
[LENA SIGHS.]
[WE ARE NOW LISTENING THROUGH THE BREAK ROOM’S CCTV.]
[COLIN IS SAT IN THE CORNER, GRIMLY DRINKING A CUP OF TEA.]
[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS:]
SAM:
Hey! Colin, wasn’t it?
[COLIN GRUNTS AN AFFIRMATIVE]
SAM:
Hey.
[COLIN GRUNTS]
[BEAT]
[THE COFFEE MACHINE BEGINS TO WHIR]
SAM:
So. How’s the app going?
COLIN:
(immediately furious) So that’s it, is it? Lena’s hired another smart-mouthed prick to just piss around and cause problems?
SAM:
Wow, okay –
COLIN:
I already have to explain to some chinless inbred politician that we’re running on something as old as the goddamn Atari Falcon, now I’ve got some little green smartarse giving me lip for it too? Well you can take your funny little lines and shove them up –
SAM:
Alice told me to say it! Okay? It was Alice. I have literally no context for this. At all.
COLIN:
(pauses) Oh.
SAM:
I said you seemed kinda scary and I didn’t know how to say hi, so she said to ask about the app.
COLIN:
‘Course she did. Well, tell Alice it was funny. Yeah.
[COLIN MAKES A NOISE THAT IS PROBABLY MEANT TO BE A LAUGH.]
[AWKWARD BEAT.]
COLIN:
“Scary”?
SAM:
A bit, yeah.
COLIN:
Huh.
SAM:
So like, how is it going?
COLIN:
…Mate, I’ve been banging my head against this system for almost two years and I’ve got nothing beyond a bug list as long my arm.
SAM:
So not great then?
COLIN:
‘Bout a year ago I figured out it was written with some kind of propriety German source code, so you know what I did?
SAM:
What?
COLIN:
I learned German. But do you think it helped? At all?
SAM:
Nein?
COLIN:
(grimly) Nein.
SAM:
Well… At least it’ll help if you ever go to Germany?
[BEAT.]
COLIN:
Why would going to Germany help?
SAM:
I don’t – no, I meant, like, as a holiday?
COLIN:
A holiday?
SAM:
Yeah, like, time off? I hear they have good… sausages?
COLIN:
I’m a vegetarian.
SAM:
Right.
[AWKWARD PAUSE]
[THE COFFEE MACHINE STOPS WHIRRING]
SAM:
Well, this was great an’ all but I should get back to it.
COLIN:
Sure thing. Good luck, mate.
[FOOTSTEPS AS SAM MAKES HIS EXIT]
COLIN:
Tell Alice I laughed.
SAM:
…Sure.
[BACK TO THE PC’S MICROPHONE]
[SAM GENTLY TAPS ON THE KEYBOARD, OCCASIONALLY GIVING A PERTURBED MUTTER AS HE TRIES TO INPUT SCORES]
GWEN:
You met Colin, then?
SAM:
Yeah. He’s, uh…
GWEN:
A grumpy weirdo?
SAM:
I don’t know. I think he’s having a bad night.
GWEN:
Then it’s a night that’s lasted since he got here. I’d ignore him. Alice is the only one he tolerates. God knows why.
SAM:
Right.
[PAUSE. SOME MORE TYPING.]
GWEN:
So you and Alice go back?
SAM:
Yeah, we knew each other at uni.
GWEN:
That how she tricked you into working here?
SAM:
To be fair, she did say the office vibes were – uh – “a bit bleak.”
GWEN:
That’s one way to put it, I guess. So how did you end up here? You don’t seem like the usual hopeless wasters Lena hires.
SAM:
Heh. Maybe I’m just better at hiding it?
GWEN:
You know how to work a keyboard, so you’re already better than most of them.
SAM:
Ha.
[PAUSE. MORE TYPING.]
GWEN:
So what is it then?
SAM:
Hmm?
GWEN:
The awful, terrible thing that landed you here?
SAM:
Does it have to be awful and terrible?
GWEN:
Usually.
SAM:
Maybe I just like creepy monotonous data entry instead of sleeping at home?
GWEN:
Maybe.
[BEAT.]
SAM:
Honestly? I’m just trying to get back on my feet. You?
[BEAT.]
GWEN:
None of your business.
SAM:
Now hang on –
[HE HITS A KEY, AND –]
COMPUTER VOICE (A DIFFERENT ONE)
Forums.lostcityurbex.com.
Board index. Spelunking. Sites.
New topic: Magnus Institute Ruins
By RedCanary on Sunday April 10, 2022. 3:31pm.
SAM:
(speaking over) Eurgh, never mind. Got another talking one…
COMPUTER VOICE:
Anyone know what the deal is with the Magnus Institute? Recently moved back to Manchester and I’ve been keen to keep up my spelunking, so was looking at the lists here of good sites to check out.
[THE TEXT-TO-SPEECH STARTS WEARING OFF AGAIN]
[LIKE NORRIS, THIS VOICE ALSO SOUNDS LIKE HUMAN NARRATION: IT RESEMBLES THAT OF JONATHAN SIMS FROM THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES]
There’s some great ones on there (I have got to check out the old Hippodrome at some point!), but I’m a bit confused about the Magnus Institute. It’s listed under “cleared,” but there’s no pictures or info. I get that it’s useful to have a way of saying a place has been explored to death, but usually when that’s the case there’s at least a few photos that can be found online. Is it worth me checking out? It’s only a half hour from me, but I don’t want to bother if it’s genuinely a solved site and there’s nothing there worth seeing.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BadGrav31 on Sunday April 10 2022 4:51pm
Not sure. I don’t think ArcherK has updated those lists in a while. Don’t remember it, though. I say go for it – if there aren’t any pictures about, seems like a good reason to see for yourself.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By ArcherK on Monday April 11 2022 1:27am
I do update them when people send me through stuff, but it doesn’t happen all that often. I’m mainly just adding stuff to Devan’s old lists from when he left. I don’t know why he put the Magnus Institute on the Cleared list. Never really thought about it. Maybe it’s been a self-fulfilling thing, and no one’s been checking it out because it was put on there by accident.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By RedCanary on Monday April 11 2022 12:39pm
Thanks guys – think I might check it out after all!
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By ArcherK on Monday April 11 2022 11:13pm
Awesome! Look forward to reading the report!
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By RedCanary on Wednesday April 20 2022 12:10am
(voice trembling slightly) Just got back. Definitely not cleared.
Really weird place. Kinda cool. But. Really weird. Full report tomorrow.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By FlowersUnderground on Friday April 22 2022 4:07pm
Any news on this? Really keen to see some pictures.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By RedCanary on Friday April 22 2022 6:33pm
Sorry, yeah, that’s the problem. Having a really tough time actually uploading any of the pictures I took. Plus not been feeling super well. Forgot how weirdly paranoid I can get after spelunking.
But yeah, the building’s an odd one. Looks like it hasn’t been touched since the fire, and that was, what, 20 years ago? Structure itself is in pretty good shape – a lot of damage and scorching, plus the third floor is pretty much gone, but the rest of the building is safe enough. There was one spot where my foot went through the floor, but TBH that was mostly me being careless.
It’s got a really cool vibe, though. Like, if you’d told me it was a Victorian asylum or something before the fire I reckon I’d have believed you. Lost of austere old furnishings that are still in decent nick, and a bunch of offices like little cells. Kept getting this sense like doors were going to slam shut and lock behind me, even though half the frames didn’t even have actual doors left in them.
Big surprise was no old papers. I mean, they’d be mulch by now, obviously, but all the old filing cabinets were still rusting in place, and there was clearly what used to be a massive library or archive or something in the first basement layer. Was really expecting a bunch of paper pulp, but there wasn’t really any. Maybe that’s why it was listed as “cleared”?
Also, I don’t know how to describe it really, but there was a bunch of old graffiti. I don’t mean tags or anything, I didn’t see any tags at all, actually, and it wasn’t your standard “YOUR SOUL IS FORFEIT” spooky ruins graffiti, it was like… symbols and stuff and some pretty suspicious stains on some floors. I don’t really know occult or whatever, but I dunno. Felt legit in a way most of it doesn’t. I know a few of you do graff stuff, so I wouldn’t mind picking your brains about it later.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BadGrav31 on Saturday April 23 2022 11:28am
Quote: I know a few of you do graff stuff…
While I can neither confirm nor deny my involvement in the tagging of freight cars near Brighton, I wouldn’t mind getting a look at it.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By RedCanary on Saturday April 23 2022 12:17pm
The photos from the spelunk seem properly gone, but I did find an old wooden thing with a bunch of similar symbols on. Some kinda empty box, not really sure what for, though. Gonna see if I can get the light right for a decent pic.
Edit: No dice, I’m afraid. Must be something up with my phone camera. Really not helping the whole paranoia thing either. Anyone know anything about photographic distortion? Gonna see if I can borrow my dad’s SLR tomorrow.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By ArcherK on Saturday April 23 2022 2:24pm
Quote: I did find an old wooden thing…
Just to be clear, theft from explorations is not endorsed by this site, so I trust you were simply remembering something you saw, and not admitting to taking souvenirs.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By RedCanary on Saturday April 23 2022 5:21pm
(suddenly furious) Sorry. I know the rules. I’m going to go put it back, okay? So you can call off the dogs. I don’t need any more anonymous DMs calling me a thief or threatening me.
(quieter, more poisonous) I can dox people too, you know.
It’s just a hobby. A bit of fun. People don’t need to get all bent out of shape about it.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By ArcherK on Saturday April 23 2022 6:01pm
Quote: I don’t need any more anonymous DMs…
I don’t know where this aggression is coming from, RedCanary, but to be clear, this forum does not allow for direct messages to be sent anonymously, and no one is threatening to dox anyone. This is your formal warning.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BadGrav31 on Friday April 29 2022 1:19pm
Still waiting on pics of that graffiti, if you’ve got them, RedCanary.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By RedCanary on Saturday April 30 2022 2:01am
[Image removed by moderator]
Canaries should stay above ground.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By FlowersUnderground on Saturday April 30 2022 2:27am
Gross! Can we get some mod action over here?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BadGrav31 on Saturday April 30 2022 3:11am
What the hell is that? Are those eyes? Are you alright?
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By ArcherK on Saturday April 30 2022 7:33am
RedCanary, you have been warned, our terms forbid posting explicit images including gore. I’m sorry it’s come to this, but you brought it on yourself.
[RedCanary has been temporarily banned.]
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By FlowersUnderground on Saturday April 30 2022 12:07pm
Quote: [RedCanary has been temporarily banned.]
Shame. Good job mods.
Re: Magnus Institute Ruins
By BadGrav31 on Monday May 09 2022 7:07pm
Any more word on this? Is canary still banned? Kinda worried about them after those pics.
[Thread locked by moderator]
[THE VOICE STOPS]
[A SHAKEN SILENCE]
[GWEN STOPS TYPING]
GWEN:
Sam? You okay?
SAM:
Uh – yeah.
GWEN:
Look, it doesn’t matter to me but if you’re going to stick it out here you’re going to need a stronger stomach.
SAM:
What? Oh no, I’m fine, it just threw me. Have you ever heard of the Magnus Institute?
GWEN:
Like from the case? No. Why?
SAM:
Nothing. Just a bit of a blast from the past, is all.
[FOOTSTEPS AS ALICE APPROACHES]
ALICE:
How we doing over here? Clear your cases yet?
SAM:
Not quite. I had another talker.
ALICE:
I heard. Sounds like you met Chester.
GWEN:
Must you name them?
ALICE:
I don’t name them. The universe names them. Through me.
GWEN:
It’s a bad name.
ALICE:
So’s Gwendolyn. Anyway, it’s your first night, so I’m sure Lena will let you catch up tomorrow.
GWEN:
Because Lena is so very understanding.
SAM:
No it’s fine, I can probably push on.
[BEAT]
ALICE:
…Alright. You are looking a little pale though, so don’t overdo it. We’re not really monitored with breaks, so if you need to step away after a bad one, that’s fine. Just don’t fall too far behind or anything.
SAM:
Sure.
ALICE:
Ping me when you’re done. I’ll have a pint waiting.
SAM:
At six thirty in the morning?
ALICE:
I’ll send you the address.
[A QUIET PUB – MORNING, LIGHT RAIN, AND THE TINNY AUDIO THAT COMES WITH LISTENING THROUGH ALICE’S PHONE]
[A BEER IS PLONKED DOWN ON A TABLE]
ALICE:
To the first day of the rest of your nights!
SAM:
(exhausted) Cheers.
ALICE:
Was it really that bad?
SAM:
No worse than you warned me. Although setting me up like that with the IT guy was –
ALICE:
Hilarious, I know. It’s win-win: you get a job, I get a fresh victim. It’s all in your contract.
SAM:
Don’t remember signing that particular bit of the paperwork.
ALICE:
Gotta read the fine print, kiddo.
[SAM TAKES A SIP OF HIS DRINK.]
SAM:
I didn’t even know pubs opened this early.
ALICE:
Six am to nine am. It’s mostly for market traders who set up in the wee hours, but there are a few of us nightwalkers who frequent. Cosy, innit?
SAM:
It’s not bad.
[ANOTHER TIRED SIP]
Thanks, by the way.
ALICE:
It’s fine. Next one’s on you, though.
SAM:
No, I mean for the job. I don’t know if I’ve actually said it. Thanks for this.
ALICE:
Don’t worry about it. It’s not really the sort of job I’d expect to be thanked for hooking you up with.
SAM:
It’s something to focus on. And I need that right now.
ALICE:
(carefully) And it’s not – too awkward, working with an ex?
SAM:
(lightly) Only if she won’t stop bullying me.
ALICE:
(joking back) Ah. Guess it’ll always be awkward then…
[SAM SNORTS GOOD-NATUREDLY.]
[BEAT. THEY DRINK.]
SAM:
Alice…
ALICE:
Yeah?
SAM:
These cases…
ALICE:
(sighing) Yeah.
SAM:
Do you – Is there – What’s up with them? You think they’re real?
[BEAT.]
[ALICE EXHALES.]
ALICE:
I don’t see how they could be? Mostly I try not to think of them like that, like, things that might or might not have really happened. They’re just words on the screen.
SAM:
I’ve no real idea what the O.I.A.R. even is.
ALICE:
You and everyone else. I’ve checked and there’s not really much info on it. My current working theory is that maybe it got set up in the 70s, back when everyone was off their tits on LSD and giving ghost-hunters massive grants to wave crystals in graveyards. I reckon at some point they must have put together a small government department to, like, oversee the spending and monitor this stuff and no one’s noticed it’s still going.
SAM:
Makes sense.
ALICE:
As long as you don’t pay too much attention.
[BEAT.]
ALICE:
Try not to dwell on it. Besides, it’s worth the paycheck, right?
SAM:
Yeah.
ALICE:
And a Civil Service pension…
SAM:
True. I could be cleaning toilets.
ALICE:
You wish. Cleaning toilets actually helps people. Besides, you wouldn’t last a night. Stick with scoring horrors until you hit the gym and fix your noodle arms.
SAM:
(mock-outraged) Noodle arms?!
ALICE:
Just a pair of waggling vermicellis. Surprised you can lift that pint.
SAM:
Well thank goodness you helped me get this night job to help with my health.
ALICE:
(singsong) What can I say? I’m the patron saint of cute wimps.
[SAM RAISES HIS GLASS.]
SAM:
To new beginnings.
ALICE:
With old friends.
[THEY CLINK THEIR GLASSES TOGETHER.]
[THE RECORDING CUTS OFF ABRUPTLY.]
[BACK IN THE O.I.A.R. MAIN OFFICE, AND IN THE PC’S MICROPHONE]
[THE OFFICE IS QUIET AS THE COMPUTER BOOTS UP AGAIN. SOMEONE IS SEARCHING THROUGH DESKS. THERE IS A SLIGHTLY FRENZIED DESPERATION TO IT.]
[THERE IS A PAUSE. THEN FOOTSTEPS, MOVING THROUGH THE OFFICE TOWARDS THIS COMPUTER.]
[AND THEN THE FIGURE SPEAKS:]
COLIN:
(slightly manic) You’re not as clever as you think you are. You think you’ve got us all fooled, that no one knows you’re listening, but I do. I know. I’m going to find you and then…
[COLIN TURNS THE COMPUTER OFF.]
The Office of Incident Assesment and Response 🜍 ☿ 🜔